Darkness

It comes, gently.  

I slowly breathe it in as it begins to fill my nostrils.  

The aroma is familiar and moody.  

It grabs me by the ankles and gracefully pulls me down.  

Before I even realize it, my arms have become bound to my sides so I can't move. 

Over the course of days and weeks it reaches and settles into my lungs, now my very breath.  

I don't feel much like breathing at the moment.  

The darkness is strong.  

It is overpowering.  

It overshadows everything. 

It holds me captive.

It is consuming.  

It is life stealing.  

In the darkness there is no laughter.  

Joy is a myth and I don't believe it is real.  

This darkness, it is the very thing that I breathe.  

Angry White Girl

The last year has been quite rough. The lows have vastly outweighed the highs. I've struggled so much. Everyday it seems I'm fighting for myself and fighting against settling for things that affect me in a negative way. I feel like I have been fighting for my mental health more than ever before.  I've been struggling with anger, disappointment, discouragement and frustration.  Honestly, I've been pretty damn pissed off. I sit in this mad pissed off place and ruminate over all the things. Being upset and angry means I care, or cared for too long or cared too damn much. I think I am way passed the point of caring, and have just faceplanted in the place of not caring. at. all. I have stumbled and fallen hard into a place of apathy and lack of concern. As a human, a person, full of emotions and a beating heart, here I am standing in the dead center of apathy. Love is one of my superpowers, so I thought. I love really hard. For a person who loves well, I feel like I am so freaking stone cold and unmoved right now. I am angry. Fighting mad. I am finally realizing this. I haven't been able to put a label on all these feelings and emotions (or lack thereof), until now. It has taken me a really long time to get here. This is a culmination of about 24 months worth of me asking, and stewing and asking again for a few minor things to happen. These are not huge outlandish requests, they are simple changes I've asked for. They are things that matter to me. They are things that affect my mental health in massive negative ways. When I ask something, and it's met with lack of care - I feel extremely unimportant and disregarded. My feelings don't matter. I am not being heard. I feel like I am raging inside. Mostly at myself and my stupid heart. Like do people really change? Can they change? Is change temporary or am I expecting too much? I hate so much that I've reached this point after this seemly short amount of time, actually it's been 2 years. Basically for 2 years I've been "waiting." I don't know how much of this I can come back from. I don't know if I'm too far gone. Too far beyond frustrated. Can I find that attraction again? Can I fall back in-love? I didn't jump into this with potential being at the top of the list, I jumped in headfirst because I was sold on this person and all of his words. Words don't mean anything if they're not backed up with actions. Where do I go from here?

When Friendship Isn't Really Friendship

Being guarded. Retreating into oneself. So afraid to let anyone in. The last time you did that you were told that you were basically ruining a friendship because of all your issues. You talked too much about everything going on in your life. You talked about it so much that it pushed away a really great friend. They were over it. They didn't want to hear anymore about how hurt you were. They didn't want your burdens unloaded on them anymore. Apparently the friendship was abused and tattered because you shared the on-goings of your life with a friend. The hurt caused by them shutting you down hurt even more than the initial hurt you had from the situation you were struggling with. Feeling as though you may have done this to multiple very good, close friends, you wonder if you've been pushing them away unknowingly as well, but they were too afraid to say it. It sucks to think of someone as a great friend only to have them shut you down and not talk to you for months on end and not even tell you why. That relationship has changed. I don't share much anymore for fear of being too needy and co-dependent (which I'm not). I keep most things to myself in fear of pushing others away. I'm a lot less trusting these days and for very good reason. This is a legitimate fear of mine now. It kinda sucks. The people you think you can trust to not hurt you, are the ones that usually do. The sting still stings though it's been a while. If you've been stung that way then you know exactly how it feels. Just remember to be your own best friend....or just talk to your dog! Dogs are the best.

How 2019 Wrecked Me

Remember just how freaking swimmingly 2018 was and how you swore at the end of 2018 that you weren't doing that shit again...well, here we are, we made it to the end of 2019!  Congrats!  You did it!  You came out on top and you did exactly what you said you'd do - you'd live bullshit free and enjoy your life.  You did exactly that.  You moved forward.  You let go.  You refocused.  You prioritized.  You began living for you and your kids.  Ditched all the naysayers and negativity mongers in your life.  Smiled more.  Worked harder on yourself and started taking small steps towards loving yourself more.  It's amazing how loving and respecting yourself more can change your outlook on things.

In all of my 2019'ing one of the best things that happened to me was finally meeting myself and getting to know myself.  My likes and dislikes what I agree or disagree on and where I stand on certain topics and subjects.  Developing my own opinions and thoughts on things and standing by whatever feels right in my heart.  I have boxed up and put away so many of my previous convictions because they no longer felt right to me anymore.  I love where I stand presently.  I actually feel freer and strong enough to feel the way I want to feel and not care if anyone disagrees or not. I feel like I have finally gained the courage and strength that I've longed for for a very long time.  Channeling the strength of my mother if you will.  She was the strongest person I know.  I am glad to have been born of such a strong and wise person - but she had to go through plenty of her own hell to get to that place of sheer strength.  I guess her journey became my journey.  Glad I paid attention.  

This year one of the other best things that EVER happened to me, happened!  I was attending a local comic convention here in my town, minding my own business and got hit with the sweetest smile attached to this most handsome gentleman, so I smiled back and for a moment we were the only 2 people in this crowded room, just fixated on each other.  Time stood still.  My heart skipped a beat.  No words were spoken.  My heart already knew.  I was completely WRECKED.  If I never believed in love at first sight, I did then!  At that moment the force was awakened in me.  My nerves kept me from going over to talk to him.  Soon after my son was chatting with him and I had an in!  The conversation was easy and fun and we discussed Comicpalooza and who was going with us.  I was fishing, I needed to know if this man was single!  I still wasn't sure, but the way he smiled at me, said he was.  I made sure to introduce myself, I wanted him to know my name and I wanted to know his.  I left the Con consumed by my thoughts of this guy.  Consumed!  I had to see if I could find out more about him through facebook or something.  I started with our mutual friend who had put on the convention, by looking through his friends list.  Sure enough, there he was, that handsome sweet face.  7 hours later I decided to friend request him and then I tossed my phone so I wouldn't chicken out and cancel it.  7am the next day my phone blinged and his name popped up that he'd accepted.  I remember thinking that morning, oh shit, now I have to brush my damn hair today.  Suddenly I was more nervous than ever.  I knew I would be going back to the Con for day 2.  He was set up as a vendor so I knew I would be running into him.  Damn.  So nervous.  I fixed my hair, tried to look extra spiffy and my son and I went back up there for day 2, mostly because he was in the cosplay contest.  We ended up at his table again, and he had brought me a gift of some Star Wars artwork.  That was the sweetest gesture.  We talked off and on during the course of the day and at the end of the day when the cosplay contest wrapped up, he was standing beside me and asked if he could see me outside of the con.  All I said was "Absolutely!"  and we smiled.  I got home around 530 that Sunday and my kids went to their dads house and I was home alone telling one my besties about this man I met.  I decided to send him a wave on messenger and he immediately waved back.  He invited me to dinner and I think I shrieked like a high school girl inside.  By 630 we were eating at Pipeline and he had ordered chips and queso for us!  He had done a little homework, which I thought was very cool!  Monday rolled around and we didn't get to see each other and I gotta tell you, Monday sucked!   Tuesday he finally kissed me.  Shriek! Thursday night he told me that he loved me and I already knew he did because I loved him too.  

My 2019 brought in heaps of healing and loads of love and a great deal of growth.  It truly was a great year.  I met the love of my life in April then this beautiful man of my dreams asked me to marry him in June.  2020 will bring a wedding in April and my baby boy will graduate high school in May.    

As this year began I chose to grow and move up.  To let go of past things and only keep what feeds my soul and let some of the new in.  I chose to start seeing myself for the amazing human being that I know is in there somewhere, she's just been hiding for a bit.  I'd love to credit myself with the growth and healing by me doing the work and in a lot of ways I do give credit where it's due.  At the same time, I owe a lot of credit to the man in my life for showing me everyday what an incredible person he believes I am - by him showing me and believing in me, it helped me see myself through his eyes and love myself even more.  He loves me and heals me so well.  I know I have tons of work to do still and don't get me wrong, I am nowhere near having the confidence level that I want, but this is a damn good start!

I think the main thing I want to focus on in 2020 is growing confidence in myself, being a little less self conscious and self aware. Letting myself go and just being fully me.  To stop letting me hold me back, because that's what I do in every part of my life.  I hold back.  I want to be reserved and classy but confident and sassy.

This year also brought us Godzilla King of the Monsters, Avengers Endgame, Baby Yoda, The Mandalorian and sadly the end of the Skywalker Saga with Star Wars The Rise of Skywalker.  42 years of my life wrapped up in 2 hours and 35 minutes.  It was a beautiful piece of filmography and wonderful piece of film history. I was able to share this experience with my diehard Star Wars fiance' and my sons and it was a spectacular experience for both us to be able to wrap it up together.


I feel like my Twenty Nineteen was a kick-ass year and Twenty Twenty will be most excellent.  Be still my heart.

The Pain of Relationships

You're not immune to pain.  There is nothing in the world that will keep you from being hurt, no plastic bubble to protect you, no matter the amount of joy that resides in you, nothing will keep you from ultimately being hurt or feeling pain in this life.  Whether it's the pain of grieving the loss of a loved one, a failed marriage, a friendship gone awry or being perpetually single and feeling so damn alone.  If you are a living breathing human being made of flesh, blood and bone, you're going to get hurt.  You're welcome.

The process of dealing with hurt and pain is a strange one.  I believe we go through stages much like grief.  There's the initial shock that makes some of us take a nose dive straight into shutdown mode (me).  Some of us go headlong into defensive mode (also me).  We may veer off the road and a head-on collision with anger (guess what, me again).  We may slam face first into the pavement of uncontrollable tears (yep!).  Or my most favorite one ... rebellion (for sure!).  You may find other unusual ways to deal with your pain,  such as self-injuring (my go-to).  You may also go against everything you think you know and tossing that flaming bag of shit out the nearest open fucking window.  Personally, I have gone through all of these stages.  So many times I have uttered the words - "I don't give a damn" to "I care too damn much."  Caring is where the problem lies.  When you care too much you get sucked into the emotional side of everything and that is what trips us up!  We let our hearts get in the way.  Then when someone rips your heart out before your very eyes and completely crushes it in front of you, you've just lost the damn battle.  You can consider yourself down for the count and I can assure you that one of the above mentioned emotions will grip you!  Pain will manifest itself in some weird ass way.  If you're expecting to dodge and weave to avoid pain, good luck with that.

Pain sucks to go through.  The searing agony of pain has to run its course through our life.  We do however come out alive on the other side for the most part, but never unscathed or marked up with the scars and bruises of past hurts.  So what is the purpose of having to wade through the painful shit.  I mean really, why???

It's supposed the strengthen us?  Make us better equipped to deal with the next round of shit we are going to face?  I just don't get it.  

What I do get is this.... pain is part of life, like any other emotion or feeling, good or bad.  Our lives are riddled with so many things, some good, some bad.  You can let yourself experience the pain and learn from it or let it take root.  I guess there's supposed to be a balance in there somewhere.  That perfect balance depends on you.  

(Journal excerpt from October 2018 when life was a bit too real)

#relationships #pain #divorce #singlelife 

All along her name was Grief

About a week ago as I was writing another post, this really deep truth hit me. It's simply the fact that I am grieving.  This feeling just hit me like fresh bag of aromatic coffee beans right smack between my eyes. 

Anger is so easy to blame and she helps me to build walls quickly, stay on guard, remain in defense mode and not let myself be open to anyone.  Keep everyone at a distance because it's much safer that way and no one gets hurt.  I've felt for a while now that all these emotions and feelings I've been having are possibly something else because I'm not really angry, just... I don't know.  

Grief makes so much more sense to me now as I try to find answers to all my questions as to why I feel the way I do.  Grieving from going through a divorce 9 months ago... that turned into grieving the loss of someone I loved. Grieving someone who had been in my life for 17 years. Grieving for a past that is gone. Grieving for the loss of myself and all the change that resulted from it. Grieving because I have kinda become unrecognizable to myself.  I am trying to find me and I feel completely lost sometimes.  It's easy to pin all this shit on anger - anger takes the blame a lot. For me it's not anger at all.  It's loss and change and trying to figure out how the hell to move forward with this one life I've been given.  

Divorce doesn't just affect you, it affects everything and every aspect of your life becomes something new and different.  a life unrecognizable.   All the thoughts and feelings that run marathons through my head everyday are totally exhausting, mentally, emotionally and apparently physically as well, as I am finding myself being kinda tired and feeling rundown and fatigued a lot lately.  I know this is all part of the crazy grieving process but I want so badly to begin to heal, to allow myself to move on, to allow myself to let someone in, to be close to someone I love and allow myself to be loved fully.  I am not closed off to the prospect of being in a loving relationship or even marriage one day.  I want all that.  I just hope that I don't become so used to doing my own thing that I never allow anyone back in.  Grief is a lonely place to be and I am starting to like the comfort of being alone.  Complication free.

However, I long to see the sun poke his shining face from behind the clouds and show me a little glimmer of hope saying that everything is going to be alright. I know that day is coming. 


#grief #postdivorce #divorce #loss #anger #healing #hope #mytruth #truth

Letting Go & Finding Myself

I am choosing MY life, moment by moment.

It is my turn to decide what makes me happy and follow my heart.  I am currently free.  Free from a man or significant other, free to choose, free to be alone if I want.  Fuck everyone else and what they think and what they think I should do.  It's my time to create THE LIFE I WANT, they way I want things to be, the way I see them.  A life foremost for myself and also my children. Screw everything and everyone else.

I've spent the last many years being quiet and going with the flow.  Fuck the flow.  I want passion, I want happy, I want joy and I want security.  I want to enjoy the things that matter most to me. I want simplicity and art and the beach and nature and good books and coffee and real true uninhibited unconditional love.  I want my zest for life to be reflected in my personality and the way I come across to other people.  I want to enjoy this one short life that I've been given.  I don't give myself near enough credit or build up my own self esteem near enough.  I get down on myself and think I am just a useless human being that has no value nor adds value to anyone else's life.

It's time to let go....
of fear
of anger
of worry
of anxiety
of the past
of sadness
of negativity
of frustration
of depression
of helplessness
of hopelessness
of the self doubt
of doubt in general
of being overly conscious
of the feeling of worthlessness
of worrying about what other people think of me

Will I ever get all the answers to the questions I have with regards to the past, yes, here's my answer - because fuck, shit fucking happened, it did, I can't do anything about the past or worry about the reason things happened.  People fuck up all the time.  Am I supposed to hold a grudge?  No, because all that is going to do is make me completely crazy and plant more doubt and hopelessness in my heart and mind and make me feel as though I wasn't enough.  Maybe I wasn't, but I will be enough for someone else someday.  Right now, I don't even care.  

It is all this negative stuff the weighs me down and makes me feel bad about ME.  This is the weight I need to lose, to shed this shit and to become lighter in my heart and my mind  So I am choosing to free my mind.  

If it doesn't feed my soul, it has to go away.
My past was a learning experience for my future so bring on the future!  Let's do this shit!!!